A Vampire Satire Part IV: “Keeping Things Kosher”

In Christine on The Scene by Christine McKellar

A Vampire Satire Part IV 


Christine L. McKellar

“Keeping Things Kosher” 

 Ah, Greg, the handsome, sculpted young man who I had flirted so carelessly (and I’m sure shamelessly) with in the first place (although truth be told, Greg is 125 years my senior–go figure) has pulled through. He’s given me a gift worth keeping. I feel like singing! “Ooooo ooo oooo last night (that would be yesterday), I couldn’t get to sleep at all…no, no, noooooooo!”

We went clubbing at Mandalay Bay, which is really a euphemism for hunting. In the spirit of the holidays, Greg generously gave me the green light to hit on a tall mature gentleman from New York City who could really bust a move on the dance floor. The silver fox was a wily one, I must say. It took some convincing to get him to come home with me. Oh, he was interested in me all right: He just wanted me to go to his room in the hotel. Tourists!

I have learned to not get involved with my victims. Once you hear about the kiddies and the dogs, the little woman or man at home, the future goals and aspirations, it kind of kills (snicker) the appetite. Whether it’s the merging of my Aries and Libra selves or just my maturing nature as a vampire I’m finding it easier and easier to turn a callous ear to the pleadings of my targets.

The silver-haired New Yorker, Adam, didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell once I learned what his profession is: he just so happens to be a cosmetic surgeon. Death is good again! And just in time for the holidays, which is why I’m so eager to get Adam oriented to his new death. This is proving to be a less than easy task, however.

When I tried to explain to the outraged fledgling that there are worse things than being your basic soulless blood-sucker such as he could be me; trapped for eternity in a forty-something female menopausal body, eternally stalking my victims with the utmost caution because of my peanut allergy, the look on the handsome surgeon’s face could only be described as fahklumpt.

“You think you have problems?” He snarled. “Oy vay! I got the problems!”

There it is in a nutshell: I have to avoid peanut-eaters like the plague. Adam has to determine if his prospects keep a Kosher kitchen. “Have you eaten any bacon or pork today?” is hardly an enticing pickup line.

We’re a match made in Hell if ever there was one. There are other issues related to Adam’s orthodox upbringing. His Sabbath begins at sundown on Friday so he fasts until Saturday night. Thus, I have to go it alone for part of the weekends. But, hey, as a recovering Catholic, I have issues too! And what about our combined guilt? It will take more than a millennium for the two of us to get over all of it.

Still, I have hope for my Hebrew honey. He shares my concern about world affairs. I’ve begun to worry about the proliferation of nuclear nutcases in Asia and the Middle East. The consequences of a nuclear holocaust would be devastating: There goes the entire food chain.

One might wonder what an army of soulless, cold-blooded, blood-sucking immortals armed with supernatural strength and the ability to move faster than the most advanced atomic missile could do for world peace?

Now, there’s a worthy project to keep Adam occupied! I’m going to encourage him to start a non-profit org among the undead. Night-stalkers Against Nuclear Advancement (NANA) has a certain ring to it. Working under cover of darkness (har, har) Adam could coordinate a non-politically affiliated strike force devoted to instilling abject fear and non-nuclear compliance into the (still beating) hearts of already crazed despots and dictators.

My newly-made mate has so much potential! With his brains and good looks there is no reason why he can’t study to become a gynecologist on top of everything else. I surely can’t be the only undead woman over forty in the worldwide nest. It’s not like Adam doesn’t have all of eternity to improve or better himself, either.

Yes, I picked wisely indeed when I lit upon my cosmetic surgeon. I see no reason why at some point we can’t become the absolute undead Power Couple. With Adam by my side we shall drink with kings and rule over the masses! Sigh,  if I can only get my Orthodox sexy, silver-haired, well-fanged, forever lover over his needless aversion to crucifixes that is…

Christine L. McKellar

This short story is a work of fiction. People, events, and situations are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
© A Vampire Satire 2008 Christine L. McKellar. All rights reserved.
First published October 2009.
No part of this publication may be translated, reproduced, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the express written permission of the copyright owner.